You know its funny, I have never smoked, drank, did drugs, or gambled. Yet I know I am an addict. I know this because one is genetically predisposed to certain addictions. I had a grandfather who was an alcoholic , therefore I could very well have the genes to make it easier to become an alcoholic. Maybe that is why I have never been seriously tempted to drink.
I also know my personality. I take things to the extreme. Moderation is a difficult concept for me. And I am not a type A personality. I turn things inward, I brood, I become depressed easily. If things do not go as planned, it is a stressor for me. So when I become upset I retreat into certain things which are like an escape for me. Generally speaking my addictions are the ones which could be considered harmless, I guess. As a child and into my early teens I would read constantly.
This was my way of relaxing. I could retreat into the world of Charlotte Bronte or Jane Austen or even Erma Bombeck. Somehow after reading about the trial of others , even make believe others my world did not seem so bad.
As a teenager, things became harder to deal with, and I turned to sleeping. It was still a retreat, an escape, just not quite as productive perhaps as reading.
As an adult I have seen things like email, facebook, etc become my thing to turn to when life is hard to deal with. Perhaps as addictions go, they are not so bad. I am not wasting money , unless you go with the old adage that time is money. Yes there are things which I could be doing that are more productive such as cleaning house, spending time with my family, blogging, paying bills and the list goes on. And of course the old,,, everybody else is doing it, so it must not be so bad right? I mean if all my friends are posting stuff on FB a couple of times a day, then it must be ok to spend lots of time on this. Right ?
Well the flawed logic in this way of thinking is fodder for another post. I discovered fairly recently though another addiction. Its a place I go or rather used to go. I don't anymore thanks to my dear husband's unrelated problem, he has said to stay away from there. It was not a bad place really, just a place that held out the promise of making life a little easier. The place where you could go "and everybody knows your name". A place where everyone professes to love you and want the best for you. Sounds good right? Sounds like a healthy place to be , don't you think? But it was not that. It was a place where people rarely spent real time with each other. People did not "talk" much, well maybe there was some gossiping that was spread. There was however a lot of electronic entertainment, tvs, video games, Internet, you name it. I used to refer to it as the black hole of time, it seemed like once you went there you were sucked in and could not return. Before you knew it a quick trip to run in and retrieve something had turned into staying there for 8 hrs or more. I knew I was in trouble when I began to not only watch mindless tv shows, but actually laugh at them, and almost to the point of actually caring what happened to the characters on this silly drama. I promised myself over and over that I was going to stop going there, I knew that it was not helping me. I knew that it was just shallow promises of making my life a little better that kept me going there. In reality the price of "making my life easier" was a very high price to pay. My values, my judgement, my character, my way of life were all being questioned, laughed at, disregarded, and made fun of. In a nice patronizing way of course.
Its a been a month almost since my husband's moratorium (Sp), against going there. I can honeslty say that I am happier, more at peace, and confident than what I had been in a very long time. I am strengthenging my network of like minded friends, and facing challenges head on instead of backing down. I am learning that sometimes the greatest rewards come when you face something head on and do not back down. Perseverance brings rewards of its own.
Now if I could just do something about the FB addiction, oh well , gotta have something to do when my two yr old is driving me nuts. Right?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Changing Me
I left a family reunion early to go meet up with some friends yesterday. It was supposed to be a fun time but it didn't start out that way. I was developing a migraine on the way there , and it only seemed to become worse after I arrived. I was in so much pain, I actually felt nauseous. I took some medicine and sat down. It was about halfway through the meeting that I ended up beside a midwife whom I had never met. I struck up a conversation with her, and the things she began to tell me made all of my discomfort fade to the background.
She was working as a midwife in Uganda. She had returned to the US to receive more training, so she would be better equipped to serve these impoverished people. She told me stories of pregnant women who had low iron, but had no way of increasing the iron in their diet. Perhaps they could not afford the money to grow or buy beans. Or maybe they had a chicken to provide eggs, but the chicken had been stolen or sold by a husband to buy alcohol.
Malaria was a serious problem there as well. Mosquito nets were sometimes provided but these too could be sold for food or other items which the husband thought essential. If people ended up in the hospital, it was not always to their benefit. My friend said that in Uganda if someone was in the hospital they were required to have someone stay with them. The hospital was not required to provide food for the patients, or any type of basic nursing care. Oftentimes they would not even have basic medical supplies or medicine which they had prescribed. The doctors could tell you what needed done, but they often were not able to provide it for the patient. The burden then fell on the family members to provide the necessary items for their loved one. In one case a mother had received severe burns from cooking on an open fire; her caretaker? Her seven year old son.
One of the midwives last statements to me though was really profound. She said that if you can accept that in the midst of this abject poverty , there was not always a feasible , practical, solution to their problems. If you can accept that you might not change them, that it might be you who will be changed you could manage to live there.
How true . I think in our western culture we are so driven by measurable results. What is the bottom line, what can we earn, how can we make this company/ church/ club grow in numbers and dollars amount. What can we do to succeed, make this better, improve the lives or the profit of those around?
The reality is that in the midst of this poverty, true change could take decades if it comes at all. Maybe its okay to know that if I do the best I can, that is enough. Maybe it is acceptable to realize that simply talking with these ladies and teaching them what I know is all that could be expected. I cannot take full responsibility for everyone else, all I can take responsibility for is what God has taught me and is asking me to do.
She was working as a midwife in Uganda. She had returned to the US to receive more training, so she would be better equipped to serve these impoverished people. She told me stories of pregnant women who had low iron, but had no way of increasing the iron in their diet. Perhaps they could not afford the money to grow or buy beans. Or maybe they had a chicken to provide eggs, but the chicken had been stolen or sold by a husband to buy alcohol.
Malaria was a serious problem there as well. Mosquito nets were sometimes provided but these too could be sold for food or other items which the husband thought essential. If people ended up in the hospital, it was not always to their benefit. My friend said that in Uganda if someone was in the hospital they were required to have someone stay with them. The hospital was not required to provide food for the patients, or any type of basic nursing care. Oftentimes they would not even have basic medical supplies or medicine which they had prescribed. The doctors could tell you what needed done, but they often were not able to provide it for the patient. The burden then fell on the family members to provide the necessary items for their loved one. In one case a mother had received severe burns from cooking on an open fire; her caretaker? Her seven year old son.
One of the midwives last statements to me though was really profound. She said that if you can accept that in the midst of this abject poverty , there was not always a feasible , practical, solution to their problems. If you can accept that you might not change them, that it might be you who will be changed you could manage to live there.
How true . I think in our western culture we are so driven by measurable results. What is the bottom line, what can we earn, how can we make this company/ church/ club grow in numbers and dollars amount. What can we do to succeed, make this better, improve the lives or the profit of those around?
The reality is that in the midst of this poverty, true change could take decades if it comes at all. Maybe its okay to know that if I do the best I can, that is enough. Maybe it is acceptable to realize that simply talking with these ladies and teaching them what I know is all that could be expected. I cannot take full responsibility for everyone else, all I can take responsibility for is what God has taught me and is asking me to do.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Just another day
Just another day to wake up to a shining sun, and blue sky. Just another day to wake up to a toddler in the throws of the terrible twos. ( I mean how unreasonable for me to not allow him to eat frozen garlic bread for breakfast, of course he had ever right to scream, hit, throw things, and lay in the floor pounding his fist for at least ten minutes). Just another day to listen as my children ages 2, 4, 8, and 9 recite Psalm 23. I mean if nothing else sticks in their head, somewhere they have inscribed in their hearts that the LORD is their shepherd, they shall not want, and even if they walk through the valley of shadow of death they shall not fear evil... Its a humbling experience to think that God allowed me to be a part of this. Just another day to break up fights, tell them to stop calling each other names, and tell the 9 yr old that he can NOT return his younger brothers for a pet rabbit or snake. Just another day to watch them resolve a conflict on their own, see them truly forgive each other, and watch the 2 and 4 yr old give each other a hug and a kiss when told to say sorry to each other. Just another day to dwell on how messy my external surroundings are and how desperately I need to clean my house, van, yard, etc. Just another day to marvel how white my heart is, praise to the precious LAMB of GOD who washed my heart as clean as could be with his very own blood.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Recharging a Battery
I think I began to realize it when I snapped at my kids efforts to entertain themselves with puppets. I had agreed to let them play with puppets, and here I was upset with them because they were playing " too rough " with the puppets. I needed a break. That was all there was to it. I was becoming angry with them over silly trivial things. We were all bored with each other and so were bickering over silly things.
So I did it. I called an old friend, and asked if she would watch one or two of them this evening. She immediately went into planning mode, and by evening time had set up plans for a movie, candy, toys, and who knows what else. And she offered to take all three of the older ones!. This allowed me to attend a meeting with just the baby and two yr old. All in all it went well. I found the house easily, knew a few of the ladies, introduced myself to a few more, and basically had a great evening.
Somehow just being around other ladies who were not like me, but all like minded was just what I needed. It was like an invigorating cup of java and a refreshing glass of cold water all at once. Refreshing, and energizing at the same time. There were college students, married without kids, married with kids, pregnant moms, single ladies, grandmothers, a diverse group with one main goal: to empower women who desire to have a safe, natural childbirth by giving them options and useful information.
There is just something about having other people who have similar opinions, ideals, and goals. Ladies who have been there, done that, and are paving the way for those coming after them. I even felt like I was able to offer a little bit of encouragement and support to other moms who were just starting to look at birth alternatives.
I left the meeting feeling like I had been at the right place at the right time, like I had done the right thing for a change. It was a good feeling. I went from being frustrated uncertain, and pessimistic about the whole evening to joyful, reassured, and confirmed. Weirdness really is a relative concept. Somehow being around a group of people who were also on the "fringe" made me feel perfectly normal. How much fun is that!
So I did it. I called an old friend, and asked if she would watch one or two of them this evening. She immediately went into planning mode, and by evening time had set up plans for a movie, candy, toys, and who knows what else. And she offered to take all three of the older ones!. This allowed me to attend a meeting with just the baby and two yr old. All in all it went well. I found the house easily, knew a few of the ladies, introduced myself to a few more, and basically had a great evening.
Somehow just being around other ladies who were not like me, but all like minded was just what I needed. It was like an invigorating cup of java and a refreshing glass of cold water all at once. Refreshing, and energizing at the same time. There were college students, married without kids, married with kids, pregnant moms, single ladies, grandmothers, a diverse group with one main goal: to empower women who desire to have a safe, natural childbirth by giving them options and useful information.
There is just something about having other people who have similar opinions, ideals, and goals. Ladies who have been there, done that, and are paving the way for those coming after them. I even felt like I was able to offer a little bit of encouragement and support to other moms who were just starting to look at birth alternatives.
I left the meeting feeling like I had been at the right place at the right time, like I had done the right thing for a change. It was a good feeling. I went from being frustrated uncertain, and pessimistic about the whole evening to joyful, reassured, and confirmed. Weirdness really is a relative concept. Somehow being around a group of people who were also on the "fringe" made me feel perfectly normal. How much fun is that!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Abundant Life
Christ said that he came to give us life and life more abundantly! I have always believed this, but honestly I cannot say that I practiced it very well. Lately it seems that even though there are still trials, God is helping me to go through the trials. The tirals do not disappear but He is helping me work through them in a Christlike manner. Prayer, praise and perseverence do wonders for a stressful situation. My goal is to become more worked up over the simple blessings God gives me , than the crazy , annoying, frustrating events that seem to occur all too frequently. In other words I need to be more excited over playing in the swimming pool with my kids than worrying about the silly drama , and arguing that happen within the family. I need to use my energy rejoicing that I have a family, a place to live, clothes to wear , and too many other blessings to count. Using my energy to stress about negative situations is like adding yeast to bread dough, it just makes it grow. Bad stuff will happen and it must be handled in a godly manner.
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