questioning

I struggle with doing God's will.. actually I struggle more with knowing for sure what God is telling me. Sometimes I feel disconnected from life, ,,, from politics, current events, the art of learning, just adulthood, in general. I feel so trapped in this little people world sometimes. I LOVE my little guys but its not healthy for me or them if I am too hyperfocused on them. I see all these work opportunities, things I want to do, yet am I really sure its what God is calling me to?

Working at Union Mission sounded so intriguing but then after the interview my view on the job completely changed. I just kept thinking is really what God is calling me too? Reliv too, I want so much to help people with their finances, their health , their lifestyle. I believe wholeheartedly in the product and the business, but when can I have a telephone call in peace without screaming and shouting? hmm between the hours of 11pm and 7am.. sometimes a little earlier.. Never mind, its almost 2 am and I have been up since about midnight with a sick kid, and a thirsty kid,, both who have been crying quite a bit. The fun thing is that this is not unusual. I think the appeal of the Union Mission job was that I was going to be working the graveyard shift, which would mean 8 hours of peace and quiet sometimes and I could take my shakes in peace and quiet... Honestly I do not think I am depressed but I am on a real anti social kick. I really like being around other people, but I so crave just a few hours a day with no one talking to me, physically touching me, ... just to be left ALONE... Sidenote,, the 3 yr old's screaming for a drink ( after he has dumped two already tonight) just woke up the sick baby,,, who has not slept very much at all tonight. .. surprise surprise neither have I ... :)

Brian complains about having to sweep the floors , and help with housework on weekends ( he doesn't do much really). He says that he has to work all day and then he comes home and has to work too... my question is... when do I get to leave work? I am with the kids all day, all night... all the time. I did get two evenings out last week, and it was kind of fun. The thing is though Brian at least sleeps from 11 pm to 7 am .. short of an emergency he does not get up. I on the other hand am up quite a bit during the same time span , the nights that no one is up and needing me during the night are few and far between. I love my family and want to take care of them, but I need something to focus on them besides their constant barrage of incessant needs and wants.

I am so dehyrated,, EVERY TIME I try to drink something they start screaming and crying that they are so thirsty.. They must have a drink RIGHT NOW.. ( what about the drink in your hand little guy? no.. you want mommy's ? TOO BAD! ) Even if I do not give it to them, all the crying and clinging to my legs and reaching to grab my drink usually results in me putting the drink down and just saying forget it.. If they could just understand how much nicer mommy is when she has sleep, food , and drink, and a few minutes a day without anyone climbing on her.. :) Actually the older two do understand to a point,, its just that it is so hard to make a 3 yr and 1 yr old understand things.... :) Well everyone is asleep for a few minutes.. thing I will go lay down til someone starts to cry... ( give it about 3-5 minutes,)

Randomness of fun and accomplishments

Okay my two big accomplishments for the day...
1) took four small boys into Wal Mart and didn't buy anything unecessary, frivoulous , basically I bought what I went in to buy and even a little less.. Thank you God!

2) as part of my New Year's Resolution to eat healthier I have been buying new, different health foods. ( ie the red pepper hummus with mulit grain tortilla chips was awesome! ) Today I bought frozen baby brussel sprouts in a butter sauce, cooked them for dinner and all 3 of my older kids tried them and 1 actually liked them... Wow! I had my kids try brussel sprouts.. Thank You God!

Fun!!

Let the boys play at my dad's .. always fun for them.. outdoors, animals, places to ride bikes, and scooters, small swing set.. good stuff. Luke even took a bath in a mud puddle.. oh to hear his belly laugh.. :) ... this was of course followed by a bath in a bath tub... :)
Next went to a concert without the kids.. hung out with an old friend and had coffee at Books A Million afterward, and met some new friends.. and talked about a possible ministry opportunity , and listened to some good Christian music. Thank You God!

It feels so good to soak up the sun, roll around, and enjoy ....laying down in green pastures.. Abba Father!