baby stuff

Well, I have been taking my nutrition shakes and it has helped with the nausea a LOT. I actually am able to go whole days without a nap, and I don't become sick at the thought of every greasy, fatty food. ( okay maybe that was not such a bad consequence of morning sickness ; P )

At any rate its nice to feel the desire to want to do something with the boys. Something besides just watching mindless tv at my parent's house. I am not sure I am quite up to hiking Kanawha State Forest but maybe in a few weeks. At least the fog has lifted and I can think straight ( or at least not be completely mentally out of it... :)

I also have some leads on some midwives who do homebirths. I have not completely ruled out the birth center but its nice to think of options. The boys are really wanting me to have an ultrasound. They loved seeing pictures of Luke while he was in my stomach. Even if Gabe did cry when they said it was a boy. lol

Summer time is....

I know its not officially summer til the end of June, but everyone I know counts Memorial Day weekend as the unofficial start of summer.
I love the warmer weather, ice cream that melts if you don't eat it super quick, flowers blooming, Ben and Gabe digging under every rock to collect insects for their insect collection. I love bare feet, boats on the river, festivals every other weekend, movie nights on Magic Island, watching beautiful sunsets at 9 pm, and I love the laughter of children ( my children ) as they race all over the neighborhood playing with friends and making new discoveries.
I love the feeling of running and never wanting to stop, of smelling the honeysuckle on the vines and then teaching my kids to taste the honey. I love swimming in an outdoor pool on a really hot day, and the refreshing feeling as you dive under the water. I love the fully alive feeling of using all 5 senses to fully take in all that is summer. Mmmm

Lord help me to feel alive and enjoy the beautiful world around me and the multitude of blessings you have placed in it.

mindless ranting

okay, we have been trying to stay away from public / group situations in order to help Luke stay healthy... not really working but we are trying... We need to be around people.... we are all getting bored and restless.

My cell phone has been out of commission for the better part of 3 weeks, and my landline has been lost for about the same time ... which means little contact with others...

No babysitters offering to keep kids so dh and I can have a much needed night out

I haven't done any real grocery shopping for like a month now... due mostly to the fact that I don't want to take Luke in a store for an hour while I shop.... so we are scraping the bottom of the barrel for meals
We were doing fastfood but now the garage door is broken and I don't think its possible for me to get the door open to get the van out... so we are stuck, stuck, stuck... with no outside contact


oh and the older boys are grounded from their bikes...and its cold and rainy...

its 8pm and I have no clue why my dh is not home from work yet.. and have no way to contact him... ( he didn't respond to the email so I am assuming he is not at work) ....

I haven't gone completely crazy yet... and the kids are still alive and breathing and I haven't locked them in a room somewhere....

oh and Luke has been fussy, crying, clingy all day... I am so hoping that he is not sick, or getting sick again... he wants me to fix pancakes... I fixed them for breakfast.. and he wants them for lunch and dinner and will not eat anything else I offer.... very annoying.. he just takes my hand and pull me to the stove and points at the skillet where I made pancakes this morning.. and then throws a fit when I won't make them....And the 8 yr old wanted more pancakes too,, so he was just going to make them himself.. finally talked him out of that..

Augghh CALGON take me away....

questioning

I struggle with doing God's will.. actually I struggle more with knowing for sure what God is telling me. Sometimes I feel disconnected from life, ,,, from politics, current events, the art of learning, just adulthood, in general. I feel so trapped in this little people world sometimes. I LOVE my little guys but its not healthy for me or them if I am too hyperfocused on them. I see all these work opportunities, things I want to do, yet am I really sure its what God is calling me to?

Working at Union Mission sounded so intriguing but then after the interview my view on the job completely changed. I just kept thinking is really what God is calling me too? Reliv too, I want so much to help people with their finances, their health , their lifestyle. I believe wholeheartedly in the product and the business, but when can I have a telephone call in peace without screaming and shouting? hmm between the hours of 11pm and 7am.. sometimes a little earlier.. Never mind, its almost 2 am and I have been up since about midnight with a sick kid, and a thirsty kid,, both who have been crying quite a bit. The fun thing is that this is not unusual. I think the appeal of the Union Mission job was that I was going to be working the graveyard shift, which would mean 8 hours of peace and quiet sometimes and I could take my shakes in peace and quiet... Honestly I do not think I am depressed but I am on a real anti social kick. I really like being around other people, but I so crave just a few hours a day with no one talking to me, physically touching me, ... just to be left ALONE... Sidenote,, the 3 yr old's screaming for a drink ( after he has dumped two already tonight) just woke up the sick baby,,, who has not slept very much at all tonight. .. surprise surprise neither have I ... :)

Brian complains about having to sweep the floors , and help with housework on weekends ( he doesn't do much really). He says that he has to work all day and then he comes home and has to work too... my question is... when do I get to leave work? I am with the kids all day, all night... all the time. I did get two evenings out last week, and it was kind of fun. The thing is though Brian at least sleeps from 11 pm to 7 am .. short of an emergency he does not get up. I on the other hand am up quite a bit during the same time span , the nights that no one is up and needing me during the night are few and far between. I love my family and want to take care of them, but I need something to focus on them besides their constant barrage of incessant needs and wants.

I am so dehyrated,, EVERY TIME I try to drink something they start screaming and crying that they are so thirsty.. They must have a drink RIGHT NOW.. ( what about the drink in your hand little guy? no.. you want mommy's ? TOO BAD! ) Even if I do not give it to them, all the crying and clinging to my legs and reaching to grab my drink usually results in me putting the drink down and just saying forget it.. If they could just understand how much nicer mommy is when she has sleep, food , and drink, and a few minutes a day without anyone climbing on her.. :) Actually the older two do understand to a point,, its just that it is so hard to make a 3 yr and 1 yr old understand things.... :) Well everyone is asleep for a few minutes.. thing I will go lay down til someone starts to cry... ( give it about 3-5 minutes,)

Randomness of fun and accomplishments

Okay my two big accomplishments for the day...
1) took four small boys into Wal Mart and didn't buy anything unecessary, frivoulous , basically I bought what I went in to buy and even a little less.. Thank you God!

2) as part of my New Year's Resolution to eat healthier I have been buying new, different health foods. ( ie the red pepper hummus with mulit grain tortilla chips was awesome! ) Today I bought frozen baby brussel sprouts in a butter sauce, cooked them for dinner and all 3 of my older kids tried them and 1 actually liked them... Wow! I had my kids try brussel sprouts.. Thank You God!

Fun!!

Let the boys play at my dad's .. always fun for them.. outdoors, animals, places to ride bikes, and scooters, small swing set.. good stuff. Luke even took a bath in a mud puddle.. oh to hear his belly laugh.. :) ... this was of course followed by a bath in a bath tub... :)
Next went to a concert without the kids.. hung out with an old friend and had coffee at Books A Million afterward, and met some new friends.. and talked about a possible ministry opportunity , and listened to some good Christian music. Thank You God!

It feels so good to soak up the sun, roll around, and enjoy ....laying down in green pastures.. Abba Father!

The Lord is my Shepherd

For a couple of weeks I have been focusing on Psalm 23 . Actually I had the boys memorizing it, and I kind of felt God leading me to this passage for my own personal Bible study. For some reason I felt that the first two verses were what He wanted me to concentrate on. Somehow the idea that God is my shepherd and that He is going to make me lay down in green pastures , and lead me beside still waters is extremely appealing. The first part of verse two is what I really feel drawn to though, HE RESTORES MY SOUL,,,, taken literally he will fill it up again, put back what has been taken out, . Wow! Then yesterday at church the sermon was on the Lord is a shepherd and of course the pastor used Psalm 23 to explain this concept. I actually missed most of the service but Brian was able to hear the sermon and I think it was a good way for us to both be on the same page spiritually. I kind of had been sharing what God was teaching me with Brian. I think now Brian is really open to the idea that maybe God is using this verse to lead our family for a season. Not sure what is going on exactly, but I will have faith in HIM who knows best. Meanwhile I am going to spend some time laying down in the grass and walking beside still waters. And allowing HIM to restore my soul. Selah

Praising in the Storm pt 2

Well I found my wallet ! Praise God... it was in the van, the same place I had looked several times before.
Josh is stilll sick, I hate to see him so down and not feeling good. Luke was sick/ is sick, but he is still toddling around causing as much mischief as he can. He just has thrown up several times today and is sleeping more than usual.
At one point today I actually said a little prayer of thanks to God for allowing me to minister to these little ones. They are so precious and sweet and God said the kingdom of heaven belongs to them ( or those who become like them....too tired to think of the actual verse ) .. Anyways they are precious in HIS sight, and he chose lil o' me to take care of them and hopefully make them feel better and nurse them back to health. So instead of being stressed, annoyed and disgusted at the fact that my 3yr old and 16 month old do not understand the concept of throwing up in a toilet or trash can, and that my pile of laundry has grown exponentially thanks to the aforementioned fact, I can still thank HIM for giving these little ones to me to take care of. I love my kids despite what they may hurl at me ( literally) and God loves ME despite all the crazy stuff I throw at HIM.

Well I have co op tomorrow . I really need to think of some activities, but for now I think I will get some sleep.

Praising in the STorm

We seem to be under attack lately with a constant ever changing line of illnesses, and injuries which seems to be effecting everyone in the family. I thought Brian was going to be laid off,, but now its looking like he might not. He has work until at least April 10th now. People think I am crazy but I really wanted to have my husband out of that environment. Its seems ludacris to quit when he doesn' t have any other options. Yet we both know that his present circumstances are not where God wants him. Praise God for a well paying job, and a husband who loves his family enough to want to leave the job to do God's work.
Also Ben has had some issues with a possible kidney problem. It may be nothing but then again no one is totally sure. The upside is that Ben has had some quality time with his mom and dad without little siblings around. Even if its just hanging out in the dr's office watching animal planet or me telling him Barry and George stories at 3 am in the ER... , he LOVES the undivided attention from Brian and me. Praise God for quality time with my son!
Now Josh is sick and we are praying for God' s healing and a quick recovery. And to add to the fun, I lost my wallet yesterday. My wallet with my driver's license, social security card, credit cards, AAA card, Books A Million card, Clay Center Membership, Columbus Zoo membership... plus all of my business cards, gift cards.... auughh Please Lord let me find it safe and sound.
Despite all of this I will praise God!!! He will do something good out of this, even if its a hard lesson for me to learn. You are good God, help me to see it come what may in the future.

Changing Seasons

kind of ironic, I just realized that Brian's last day of the work ( this Friday ) will be the last day of winter. ( unless I have my dates mixed up, I can never remember exactly what date the seasons change... oh well) . Ending of one season and beginning of another. This has not been a bad winter as far as winters go. Still its been cold, and depressing, and without much sunshine. Lord willing we are ending a period where the family has been missing a vital link for quite some time now. A vital link that brings us smiles and laughters, and fun times. Somehow we seem complete when Brian is with us.
Spring will bring sunshine, flowers blooming, and new life being breathed into the earth. Lord willing we will bring new life to our family. We will need to pray even more often, , be more compassionate and merciful to everyone, and definitely work on encouraging others with our mouths instead of bringing others down. Maybe now we can have a chance to seek God's will wholeheartedly instead of just short prayers for God to bless us as Brian heads off to work.
I know working 60 hrs weeks on average is not that huge of a deal, but for us its been hard. I am thankful he has had a job that pays so well, and that we could pay off a little of our debt. It was also nice to be able to pay for the PE classes at the YMCA, the ice skating lessons, and all the other activities which the boys needed to keep them busy. I just really believe that God wants Brian to spend more time with his sons and me. Little boys need their daddy to teach them , and love them, and show them what it means to be a Godly man.

There is good and bad in any season, it really is just a matter of being thankful and being diligent enough to look for the good things. And then remembering to continually thank God for the blessings He has bestowed.

Luck of the Irish

ok, my post has absolutely nothing to do with the luck of the Irish ( at least I don't think so) .. but it sounded like a cool title.. so I figured hey why not. I can't use my other favorite St Patty's day greeting since I am married now. Kiss me I' m Irish was always so much fun , especially since I was Irish and I do like kisses ( at least from some people). I always remember Valentine's Day 1996, I wore a big t shirt that said Kiss me I'm Irish on it. I told everyone that if it worked ( ie some guy actually kissed me ) then I would actually have a date for next Valentine's Day. Well two of my guy friends did kiss my hand ( very chivalrous type thing really :) ) . Next Valentine's Day though was mine and Brian's first official "date" I guess, at least it was when we were out together as a couple for the first time. I don't remember what I got Brian but he gave me a stuffed Scottish Terrier that I named Buford. It was very sweet. I wonder what happenend to Buford , I think my crazy kids got a hold of it a few years ago. Valentine's Day 1998 of course Brian and I were married.... not sure the shirt had anything to do with it, still it really was a cool , fun shirt to wear ... . Randome thoughts tonight I guess. trips down memory lane are fun every once in a while. Well I will try blog about the other stuff I was going to relate. For now I need to put some sleeping kids in their own beds.

Valentine's Day

Its Valentine's Day and my 11th anniversary and there is basically no hope of spending time with my dh. I am so drained from three kids Valentine Parties this week. The biggest one was a t the co op, and I planned a lot of it. We ended up with 62 people I think. It was crazy, but I think everyone had fun. Mentally I was exhausted, and I have not completely recovered. Plus the fact that dh worked a lot of overtime. I thought since the overtime seems to be done for a while that we could do some work around the house. Dh is thinking more like where can we go to have fun, and basically stay out of the house. There are so many things that need done, but when do we have a chance to do them? I truly love planning homeschool stuff, and I have tons of ideas for stuff to do, I just wish we could have some extended quality time , just our family. Whenever we do have time that is unscheduled, we always end up just goofing off and not doing anything productive anyways. Like today , we arrived home at around 4:00 from the last Valentines Day Party. The boys just played silly games on the computer, and Brian and I just took a nap on the couch. So here it is Saturday night, I have not done laundry for church tomorrow, plus since Gabe dumped the laundry detergent, I can't do laundry anyway. I didn't make it to the grocery store, and I promised I would cook dinner for my mom's family tomorrow as a birthday present to her. I know this is just a big gripe session but its better to gripe here than to gripe at my family. I know when I am so tired I am not always reasonable.

Tomorrow I will blog about God's love, and how he is the ultimate lover of our soul, and how he can be the perfect husband etc,,,, I will thank Him and Praise Him for all the wonderful gifts he showers me with every day of my life. I will rave about how He is the ultimate Valentine... but for now I just need to throw all the negative emotions and thoughts out of my mind and my thoughts. Writing seems to be one way to get things off of my chest.

I am also nutritionally deprived... I need my shakes. One day this week I managed to take the equivalent of like 4 shakes. God must have know I was going to need the extra stuff, I only had like three hours of sleep that night thanks to Luke. I should have been a wreck the next day, but I managed. I was a little tired, but I could function with some degree of stability. I even managed to get all four boys to a Valentines Day party five minutes before it started, ( and I even had my food offering too). Well some boys are still up and not behaving, so I better get them to sleep so I can get some sleep too.

Waiting to exhale

We just returned last night from a vacation to Daytona Beach Florida. It was so great. Soaking up the sun, letting the boys play around in the sand and ocean, it was a most peaceful experience. Brian and I and the boys were more relaxed than we had been in a very long time. It was such a gift from God! God helped us out in so many ways. We actually had a chance to relax and talk, without outside pressures interfering or pulling on us. Brian also said that he is going to find a way to spend more time with the boys. We are not sure how it will work out but we know that little boys need to learn how to be men, and surprise surprise they need men to teach them that. Having Brian working outside the home 50 -60 hrs a week, and then take on side jobs, and help everybody and their uncle out with problems does not leave a lot of room for quality time with his boys. We are just praying for God to give us some clear guidance on how to do it. I don't know how long it will last, but right now so much of my anger , depression and frustration are changed into positive emotions of thankfulness, and just love for the people God has put around me. Its like a huge weight has been lifted from me, and I can hope and dream again. I watched the movie Hope Floats a number of years ago. I didn't understand the title for a long time. After reflection though, I think it was just a commentary on the fact that no matter how much bad stuff you go through, hope keeps re surfacing and pushing its way to the top. Lord willing hope will persevere and give bloom to a beautiful flower of dreams, and fulfillment of God's purpose.

It figures

I post a blog entry about trying to write more, and then I go almost two weeks without posting a blog entry. Well, I took a day off Tuesday and I have felt much better every since. I fed the kids leftover deli food and veggie and fruit trays. I had Brian bring dinner home with him. I stayed in bed most of the day, talked on the phone , and read a Christian romance novel. The boys accquainted themselves with the features of our new DSL. They watched Animal Planet and Clone Wars. It was amazing, when I removed all the pressure and expectations from my day, the stress , frustation, and anger disappeared. I must figure out a way to do the daily requirements of life without being so stressed and frustrated. God will make a way.

Nothing like a little drama to liven up the day

Well the day started off as normal, breakfast, showers, homeschool PE class, go home. Then my dh called. He was having an asthma attack and wanted me to meet him at Rite Aid with his prescription for an inhaler. I herded the kids in the van and headed off with the prescription. Well when we arrived I sent the boys in with the prescription . Well , it ended up the pharmacist convinced Brian that he was in enecelaphtic (sp) shock and he should go to the ER right away. Well Brian did have the symptoms he said, but we both thought that with the shock you actually pass out or something because you cannot breathe. Brian was still conscious and awake, and breathing albeit with difficulty. So we arrived near the hospital and I had to go past it because of insane traffic patterns. I was turning around in a Rite Aid parking lot and Brian said he didnt' think he needed to go to the ER. So we decided to follow his orignal plan of buying a Primatene Mist Inhaler and it worked almost instantly. So then we went home, and long story short, ate lunch and with Brian still fighting off a headache and chest pain; Gabe starts to feel pain in his abdomen. After 10 min of him screaming and crying saying his stomach hurt, Brian took him to the ER. Well 15 min after he got there he calmed down. The diagnosis? lactose intolerance. At least my family is okay, and he only had to stay in the ER for about an hour for observation. Thank you God for keeping my family healthy and safe.

Cause its supposed to be.....

When Ben was about 4 yrs old, we would ask him why he did something, or why something was the way it was.. His classic response was ... cause its supposed to be.. He was simply returning the universe to its inherent order, why could his blind parents not see that? We may not have always agreed with him, but in his mind it was simply the way things were, why would we question it? Sometimes when I become frustrated and I want to do something that I know will confuse people and earn me a " what on earth was she thinking " look.. in my mind I always answer ,
cause its supposed to be. I often question the necessity of things which others seem to regard as standard and normal. On the other hand , my thoughts and ideas often puzzle other people. Why am I so concerned about this elusive other? Why do I care what they think? Who knows. Why do I allow this "other" to cause me so much grief, depression, and anger? Who knows. I do know that I am supposed to be doing something which involves more than laundry, dishes, and changing diapers. Come to think of it, the Proverbs 31 mother was a work at home mom ( if you consider the fields/ vineyard as home ) At any rate she did not have all of her focus on just her kids. She was a well balanced woman, and she managed to earn money in the process. And her family called her blessed. Hmmm. More than anything I know God wants me to write.. but am I supposed to be confining my writing to an online blog that people may or may not be reading? I really do not think so, even my mother encourages me to write more, as does Brian. I love blogging, but I think maybe there is something more out there for me. Not that I should neglect my family , quite the contrary. I need to work harder to gain structure and order for all of us. Then I can have more time in the evenings / mornings to do things like write without distractions. Yesterday morning was Sunday, and as I spent time blogging, my spirit and mind were at peace. All the things which God had been working on in me, came flowing out of me in my writing. It was worship for me. Why writing? Cause its supposed to be.

The Psychology of Expectations

A few weeks ago we received a call early Sunday morning. My dad told Brian there was a snake in his driveway. He said it flicked its tongue at him when he touched it. He knew the boys would want to see it, so we hopped in the van and drove over there. I told Brian that it was probably Ben's toy snake that he had left over there the day before. My dad's degree was in zoology and he likes snakes, so Brian thought he would know the difference between a toy snake and a real one. We arrived at my dad's place, and looked at this black snake with yellow markings coiled up on the side of the driveway. I told Brian that Ben's snake was black with yellow markings, and that he had left it near the side of the driveway the day before. So Brian goes over and touches it. It doesn't move. Then all of sudden Brian becomes excited. He says that he saw its eyes move. He puts it on the windshield of the van. I was still sitting in the van , so I could see the bottom of it. It looked a lot like Ben's snake, but it also looked very lifelike. I wanted to believe that it was just a toy, but something in me kept thinking but what if it wasn't? Well, Ben decides to bring the snake in the van. Brian and I both went a little crazy then. We were pretty sure it was the toy snake but just in case it wasn't we did not want it in the van. Despite Ben's protests we made him leave the snake at my dad's house. We told him that if it was still there later on , we would let him bring it with him. I knew my dad would have his phone turned off since he was at church, so I texted my sister instead. She insisted it was a real snake that had flicked its tongue at dad. Well after church , my dad goes back and I guess he picked it up. Upon closer examination he figured out it was a toy snake and not a real one. When he called us to tell us, I told him that Ben had left his toy snake there the day before. My dad had not known this at the time, or he probably would not have assumed that it was a real snake. We decided that what he thought was a tongue flicking was a piece of frost coming off the snake when he hit it. I will not go into the details about three semi intelligent, semi rational adults who believed this toy snake was real. I think the part that intigrues me the most is that Ben never doubted it was his snake. He picked it up , looked at the markings, looked at details only he knew about. He knew that it was his snake. I wonder if its not a little like God and us. We have people around us who insist that we are this or we are that. They try to put us into a box and tell others that this is what we are supposed to do, and be , and say. The snake could not argue with all the things being said about it, because it was a toy. It was powerless to argue with the things being said about it no matter how untrue or misleading they were. Oftentimes we feel powerless to defend ourselves against misleading or untrue things which are being said about us. Yet Ben as the owner simply picked it up and said , "no this is mine. I am the owner and I know what it was created for, to have fun and to scare parents . " Similarly God picks us up, looks at us and says ," this one is mine, I know who this is and what their purpose is because I CREATED them! " And just like Ben loves his snake and tries to take care of it, God the Father showers us with an everlasting love that we cannot fathom. And just like the true nature of the snake was eventually discovered, the true nature of God's creations is discovered as well. So maybe the purpose of mr scary looking toy snake is more than just scaring parents out of their wits, maybe it too can teach us about God .........if we let it.

New Year's Resolution

I don't usually do New Year's Resolutions but this year I made some promises to myself ( and my family) and since it just happenend to be around New Year's I decided to call them New Year's Resolutions. First of all, we ARE going to eat healthier, not a diet, just some very gradual subtle lifestyle changes. Things like cutting out enriched flour, frozen pizzas, and sugary drinks. We will eat more whole grains, more fruits, and vegetables, and healthier protein foods (ie turkey, chicken, etc). Second , we will exercise more ( or in mine and Brian's case just have some exercise). I bought a nice , used exercise bike for $50 from a friend. Brian and I try to bike at least 5 miles a day on it. Its not much , but its more than what we were doing . Third I am going to try to be more polite to people in general. My kids and husband probably need it from me the most , but everyone can benefit from a polite and respectful attitude which is kind of hit and miss with my attitude. Fourth , clearer communication between myself and others. I will stay focused, not be distracted by tangents and make sure the other party understands the message I am trying to convey. If there are misunderstandings I will address the person instead of another friend to whom I feel like venting my problems . Fifth and most important I will become serious and devoted to prayer and Bible reading. I will become a true student, disciple , follower, lover of my Lord and Saviour. I will delight in his fellowship on a regular basis ( vs shallow interactions via Facebook, and most emails, and a lot of telephone calls). And sixth I will encourage my family to join with me in this journey. It will not be easy or fun, but if taken slowly and deliberately I think most can be accomplished by next year. There are more goals but that is enough for now.