Decresendo

I am probably spelling that wrong, but basically its that time after the big buildup of Christmas, then the climax and now the fading to normalcy and routine . I have not done any decorating ( Ben and Gabe decorated the trees), no Christmas cards or even e mails, no gift buying, no elaborate dinners to fix, heck I didn't even try to make the house look cleaner. So I avoided some stress, ( though I do dream about the day when I can do all those things without it being stressful). we still did quite a few fun, Christmasy things. We continued some family traditions, and maybe started some new ones . Overall I have to say it was a good holiday, a good celebration of my saviour's birth. The boys went to two Christmas parties one at a church, one at a library after a Christmas parade, and a small one at the homeschool co op. We saw the lights at Coonskin park , took a trip to see the holiday decorations at the Columbus Zoo. We bought two Christmas trees, and let them decorate them. They received plenty of presents IMHO, though I am sure they would have liked more. We also acted out the Christmas story Christmas morning ( though they did sneak in some Charlie Brown quotes when it came to Josh being the sheep lol ) and we made a gingerbread village complete with one house, three cottages, one train, and five or six trees,. Not that doing any of these things in and of themselves is special really, its just doing them as a family. I want our kids to have a sense of this is who we are and what we do. Just spending quality time with them is the real gift for me, seeing them become excited and watching their eyes light up , is worth more than any physical gift I could ever receive. The best thing though was on Christmas Day just talking to them about the real meaning and having my six year old say...." but if its Jesus birthday how come he does not receive any gift?" Ah..... teachable moments... then I can explain why we do things to help others, and how the Bible says that anything we do to the least of these is like we are doing it unto him. ie giving food and clothes and to the poor is like giving food and clothes to Jesus.... I have lots of ideas for the New Year but I will save that post for another day and for some serious prayer time.

Countdown to Christmas

3 days left til Christmas and I am trying to avoid the stress. So far so good, though having the boys and Bianca in the house all day is enough to try anyone's nerves. I let them get into the Usbourne books and it occupied them for a while, but the natives are becoming restless. We are supposed to make gingerbread house village which would be a lot of fun if we could ever find the time to do it. Between Brian's, my mom's and my dad's schedule its difficult to find time. Ben decorated his tree and it looked great. We still haven't decorated the family tree but it will come. ( Sonny gave us a great deal on our Christmas trees, we bought the family tree for $30. , and he threw in Ben's tree for free). Still in a reflective, meditating mood, not sure what will come of it though. God is good, and I am thankful for his wonderful gift of His precious son sent to earth.

Unsure, disatisfied

I am not taking my shakes, not practicing my anger management techniques,..... not cleaning up the house , not spending enough time with the boy's education. I am spending too much time on Facebook and emails. ( blogging is a more structured , constructive form of venting so I do not feel guilty over that) . I love catching up with friends but my immediate family MUST come first. This will be my written reminder to stir myself to do what God wants me to do. The good I want to do , I do not do, but the evil I do not want to do , this I keep on doing... loose translation of Romans Chapter 7 vs ? The apostle Paul really has a way of stabbing at the heart of the matter. Well my children are demanding my attention. I am going to go be a mother . :)

Birthday Bash

Wow, it is hard to believe my little guy is 8 yrs old today. In some ways it has been a short time and yet when I look at the person I was when i gave birth to him.. it seems like another lifetime. He has had a reallly good day today, and I thank God for that. He chose where we ate yesterday for lunch ( McDonalds' yuck) , and then he was able to play all morning at my friend's house with her four kids whom he really likes. When I came to pick him up he was in her backyard digging up rocks from the wooded hillside. He was in his element , literally. Then we met them at Chuck E Cheese , where they played the whole afternoon. He didn't even become upset when the whole cup of tickets came up missing and they didn't find it. Then he was allowed to pick out a few small toys at Big Lots ( side note $20 goes a lot farther at Big Lots than it does at Toys R Us our usual destination) . He is so often frustrated and angry, and stressed out ( kind of like me and Brian really) ,, it was just so nice to see him calm, relaxed, and having a good time. I know we can't take him to CEC every day or give him new toys often, but for something special like a birthdy, well its a good way to show him that he is special and loved. Now if I can just find some ways to make Christmas special too. A way to celebrate the most awesome , special , miraculous birth of all time. A little more challenging perhaps, but it will be fun to try ! And just being with my family automatically makes it more likely to be special.

an unchaotic holiday season

I am not sure if unchaotic is a word, but I think it best describes my mood right now. After going through a week of stomach viruses for everyone, Brian and I drinking sparkling grape juice at 2am , attending a Christmas party at my dad's church ( where there were less than 20 kids and that included my 4 kids and 8 of their homeschool friends . ) ... and then ending the week with a big fight with Brian. Somehow though, I am not depressed, or stressed, or even very angry or frustrating which are my typical emotions at least several times a week. I seem to be approaching everything with a very matter of fact, don't sweat the small stuff attitude. Hmm makes me want to re read some Erma Bombeck. ( I read most of her books when I was in my early teens and found them hilarious. I am sure I would laugh non stop if I read them now with the perspective of age, marriage, and motherhood). I digress though.... I am not in a Scrooge type of anti Christmas mood, but I am also not stressing about decorations, or gift buying.. ( haven't done either and may not do either).. Ben's birthday is tomorrow , so we will probably end up at Chuck E Cheese at some point and we will probably buy him a gift. It will not be extragavant. Christmas too will be more focusing on spending time together, and building good family memories . I am not at the point where I can endure the Christmas hustle and bustle (read stress) that most people seem to endure as par for the course. I believe in celebrating the birth of my saviour, I just do not understand why we only have to celebrate it one month out of the year. Is it not easier to spread it out over the year? That is just my two cents... take it or leave it. Somehow , someway God is answering my prayer and through all the toils, and strife, all the ups and downs, God is enabling me to truly live out my goal of loving the abundant life. Thank you Lord!

Seeking Solutions

Why do we try every solution to fix our pet peeves and problems before going to the ONE who overcame all the problems and pet peeves of the world . ( side note : can you imagine all the annoyances Jesus had to be comfronted with after living in Heaven?) Why do I diligently check email and facebook status but yet have to make myself read something out of the Living Word? Not that I dont want to read more, its just so frustrating when I know two verses into I will have to stop to break up a fight, or feed the baby, or else a 3 yr old will be pretending I am a trampoline. Brian says if I wanted alone time I should not have had kids. Funny thing, I did not know I needed so much alone time til I had kids. I digress though, I know God can teach me things even when I am only reading a little tid bit here and there. Its so frustrating though when you want to meditate and "hide his Word in my heart" but you cannot because kids are constantly distracting you. I am doing a little bit better about praying, but it just seems that keeping my 4 boys alive from moment to moment is an all consuming task. Of course I know mine and Brian's prayer's have helped ... their guardian angels must have be football players with all the muscle and padding they would need to keep my kids safe. Still Brian and I have been talking about how in college we had people who were like minded in their pursuits of God. We have lots of Christian friends who love God, but none who understand our desire to be willing to undergo a radical lifestyle change if it meant being better able to serve God. Everyone we know is content to attend a Bible study, a Sunday worship and help with some small area of ministry. Brian and I want to fellowship with other Christians whose all out focus is God, who want to develop deep and lasting friendships. We want to be around people who can challenge us in our daily walk with God and people we can likewise encourage in their walk. Iron sharpening iron. Where are those people? Facebook and email are nice but I want something deeper and more committed. I want people who we can cry out to God with, whom we can spend 2 hrs studying the Word and we only stop because the babysitter has to go home and we have to put kids to bed. God is the only thing we need, its just helpful to have other Christians whom you can discuss with what God is teaching you.

wintertime blues

What is it about lack of sunlight, people stressing about an over commercialized holiday, and too many expectations ( real or perceived) that leaves me feeling very blue? I have not been taking my shakes as much as I should which does not help. I vented to my friend in Chicago for a little while and I felt better for a short time . But this persistent sadness, and sense of disconnectedness seems to permeate every fiber of my being. Hanging out all day in an extremely messy van , with 4 rambunctious little boys and a constant downpour of rain only made things worse. ( At least its not snow like my friend in chicago has). I know its only my melacholy personality taking things to extreme but a nice trip to somewhere warm and sunny sounds very appealing. I know I have a million blessings surrounding me, and I thank God for those every day.

From the ends of the earth I call to you
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I

For you have been my refuge a strong tower against the foe
Psalms 61:2 & 3

A Good Thanksgiving

Wow, I think the last time I had an enjoyable Thanksgiving was in Chicago at the Brooksbank's house. Today though was enjoyable. Brian and I prayed this morning, we worked hard cleaning and making some food to take. We went to my dad's house and there was no fights. Lots of good food to eat . Daniel was with his family, Adriana with hers, and Jerrith went with his girlfriend's family. plus Luke slept through the whole thing. So there was a few less people. A lot less fighting though. After dinner my parents took a nap, and the rest of us played. First we played Connect Four, Battleship and Candyland. And then Ashley suggested we all play soccer. So we all went outside except for the sleeping ones and Liz and April and we played soccer for a long time. I wasn't that great , but Ashley and Timmy made up for my lack of skill. Gabe did awesome for his team as goalie. All in all it was a great way to get some exercise and it was a real bonding experience. Ashley even said we should do it more often. Very Cool. Thank you Lord. Family bonding and togetherness is something to be truly thankful for.

Fireproof

Well, this week has been an exciting week I think. We went to Columbus Zoo Thursday and had a great time. Then Saturday my mom watched the boys and Brian and I went to see Fireproof the movie. It was an awesome movie! I cried, I laughed, my heart was pounding in several scenes, it is my new favorite movie I think. It was such a good lesson to learn, that couples really do need to protect and nurture their marriage. And then to top it off, Brian bought me tickets to see the Nutcracker ! He even told me to buy a new dress! I am so excited. The coolest part though is the fact that Brian really paid attention to me when I was talking. I had been casually saying for several weeks that I would like to go see it, ( like I usually do when they start putting the posters all over town) . I didn't expect to actually get to go see it though. He just surprised me with the tickets when we were at the Clay Center, very cool! Well I better go do some housework. My dear sister has agreed to watch the two little ones so I can do some schoolwork with the two olders ones and run some errands.

reward or real pain?

Children are a gift from God, they are his reward. Psalm 127:3 If they re truly a reward then why do people think we are so crazy when they found out we have 4 small boys? Yes they are energetic, and come up with creative ways of driving me crazy. Yet they are a blessing and more than anything have illustrated God's love for me. They help me understand how someone could love me when I do so many insane, mean, selfish things. Yes they are kids, and need lots of supervison and guidance but with loving guidance and teaching they could grow up to be godly, creative, compassionate men. They have molded my character like nothing else on earth could, and I am thankful for that. So aren't all good things in life worth a little work and sweat and toil, sprinkled with a heavy dose of understanding and a few tears thrown in for good measure.. Yes its difficult right now, but I am trusting in God and leaning more heavily on HIS arm for guidance and support , and isn't that what its really all about?
So keep your sympathetic glances, and your looks of shock and amazement. I don't need the "poor lady" comments, or the " what was she thinking? " talk behind my back. I am wonderfully blessed and am going to try with every ounce of energy in HIS power to enjoy and learn from these rewards from God.
Oh and to my dear mother, who was so happy that Brian fixed her glasses , she offered to pay for him to have a vasectomy , thanks but no thanks. That is one Christmas present we will not be redeeming. I love my little basketball team and if God chooses to bless us some more in a few years then we will receive those blessings with open arms as well.
And besides without my loving guys who would give me a million hugs and kisses a day, and become so excited when they see me? And more importantly what interesting thing would I blog about without my household full of little people doing crazy stuff every few minutes? lol
Brian always said I am high maintenance ( and he was right), maybe God knew it would take 5 guyz to take care of me and keep me happy. :)

Columbus Zoo wildlights

We just returned from an impromptu trip to the Columbus Zoo. It was kind of crazy, Brian was having trouble starting his truck and so he charged the battery off of the van. We discussed the idea of me taking him to work and he mentioned off hand that he didn't have to go into work since they they did not have any pressing deadlines. I mentioned that the Columbus Zoo was having a special member's only preview of their Christmas lights that night. So he managed to re arrange his schedule. He took a half day off Thursday and worked extra hours on Friday. We did it though . We drove up to Columbus without a map or directions. We had to stop in Ripley to pick up gloves and hats for everyone, but we did it! And ( drum roll please,) we had a GOOD TIME! No fighting, no illness ( yet) , no meltdowns, broken down vehicles, no major crisis or disaster, of course we had PRAYED that morning, hmm. :) Just to see the look on Josh's face when he saw the model railroads was worth it all. He loved it. We do so much stuff because Ben and Gabe would be interested that it was really nice to do something that Josh really enjoyed. He also was able to hug Jimmy Neutron ( I am pretty sure he had no clue who Jimmy Neutron was, but he still hugged him lol ) The boys saw the goats, and bees from the North American exhibit. We met a lady who had been in a Costa Rican rainforest ( very cool lady) . We also saw reindeer. Cool thing too, we had a postcard which entitled us to two free guest tickets if we come back between now and Jan 1, 2009. Everyone had a good time ( even Luke) , thank you God!
I simply asked God for a good family memory and he delivered. I am humbled, is it not amazing that life can function without extensive planning and stress on my part? Who would have thought, and all this time I knew that any "fun" event required massive amounts of preparation on my part. It takes a while , but I will eventually learn the lesson.

Thanksgiving

Why is it so hard to remember all the things I am thankful for when it is so cold outside? I am thankful for hot sunny weather, which is the opposite of what we are having now. LOL My kids are getting stir crazy and so am I. Oh, I know I am thankful for my dear husband fixing the heater on the van. Of course his truck is not working, so he had to take the van to work , so I am stuck at the house. Still when I get it back it will be nice and warm when I drive it. Speaking of driving, I am thankful for gas prices going down , so I don't feel guilty driving across town once in a while. I am thankful for the massive amounts of mandated overtime which allowed us to have some extra money to pay for things like the boys' phys ed classes, and that will probably pay for ice skating lessons, swim lessons, and anything else I can think of to keep them active . I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for the opportunity to earn some money with reliv, and possibly Usbourne. I love books, and I love nutrition. I love the chance to homeschool my 4 crazy kids, and I thankful I can teach them instead of sending them off somewhere. I am thankful for basic things like clothes to wear, a relatively warm house, and plenty of food to eat. I am thankful Josh has not peed in the trashcan yet today. I am thankful no one has broken a window in a few months at least. ( is that a record maybe? ) I am thankful no one has had any serious illness since the chicken pox incident this summer. Wow there are so many things to be thankful for, when you start thinking of them. I am thankful we live in free country where we can disagree with the leaders and not be punished. I am thankful I will not be punished for my kids going around saying Obama's a lollipop. ( Though I did tell them they should respect their leaders no matter how much we disagree with them) . I am thankful I actually got myself out of bed and make some good pancakes for my ravenous kids.
Most importantly I am thankful for a Saviour dying on a cross for my sins, and another day to live and breathe and share that love with those around me.

we were meant to live for so much more , have we lost ourselves?

I believe wholeheartedly in an abudant life, but sometimes I wonder if I am living it. Homeschool co op was yesterday and it went pretty well. It doesn't excite me like it used to though. I guess the exciting part is bringing something out of nothing, the creation part. Once its up and running , it becomes kind of blase. Its still fun , and the boys always want to do it every day. So I feel like its accomplishing its purpose. I am just restless. I need something new, a challenge to sink my teeth into. I am trying to be patient and wait on God, but I am not always content with just waiting. I feel God moving in the background, but I cannot see what he is doing. I know most people do not understand what I am trying to say, what I feel God is calling me to . There has to be more than what I am doing. I feel trapped, pushed into a situation I was not made for. I love my family, and I thank God for his abudant blessings material and otherwise. I know He is preparing my heart and mind and character for something else. I need to be malleable to the potter's hands. Easier said than done. ;)

Off switch

Now is one of those moments, I just keep asking myself. Didn't they come with an off switch? My 4 dear sons , whom I brought into this world and love very much; they will NOT go to sleep. I know its not quite 9 pm and there bedtime is actually 9 pm but the baby is crying for no apparent reason. ( other than the all consuming desire to be attatched to me at all times). My dear husband is actually home for the evening, ate dinner with us and everything. He is in the room with the boys, but I think he switched his off button and went to sleep. I just don't know what to do it. My patience is beyond wearing thin. So I left the room , and decided to vent on the blog instead of yelling at them . Sometimes I just wish there was an off switch. You know , turn them off for a couple of hours and just relax, drink a cup of hot tea, and listen to classical music while taking a hot bubble bath. Ah , I can dream can't I? Well, I knew better than to stay at home all day. I was too lazy to go out anywhere ( of course I didn't really have anywhere to go , but that has never stopped me before) Well better go face the music or more aptly the yelling and screaming. Lord, give me grace , I could use some extra doses right now.

Heroes or Villians?

I just put the baby to bed again. He is developing a bad habit of not wanting to sleep during the night. I know he is not quite a year, but he is already showing signs of ADHD. Scary!
But the real reason I am blogging at 6 am instead of cuddling with my sleep deprived, wife deprived husband is to figure out something that has been troubling me for a while. My dear friend who has 4 kids said something that made me say "aha". Her 14 yr old dear son, said that he always wanted to be the hero but he feels like the villian most of the time. I keep thinking , yeah, don't most kids want to feel like heroes . They want to be the good guy who helps out and saves everybody from some horrible thing. Too often they re made to feel like the bad guy who never does anything right. My 7 yr old is often made to feel like the villian; he even calls himself a bully when he is in a bad mood. The question I am trying to figure out though, is how do we make our kids feel like a hero? I don't mean let them run over top of us and give them whatever they want. I mean how do we instill a sense of value and self worth in them amidst all the daily bustle and grind. I want to be the patient mom who calmly explains how to make macaroni and cheese . The mom who encourages and says positive things instead of yelling and belittleling. I am praying to God to help me and I know he will. I just wish there was some forum where moms could say," hey look I did something right today, want to hear about it?" Moms are such a great source of creativity and inspiriation. It just seems too easy to get caught up in laundry, dishes, sweeping, changing the baby's diapers, cooking meals, running errands, etc. I know that if it is to work, it must be an intentional thing. It just seems that all of my great ideas involve time and money which I rarely have enought of both as it is. I know it is so important though to catch them now while they are still young enough to be caught doing good things. I know my kids are heroes, how do I convey that to them? Stay tuned for the sequel to heroes part 1.

at home on a Friday evening

Wow, for the first time today I feel kind of good about something. Hm, maybe I am not a horrible mother after all. My quest, goal, longing for this school year is to become more disciplined. First I want to become more disciplined, and then maybe other members of my family will be more disciplined too. I really know it is of vital importance to be self disciplined if you are going to have a Godly character. Anyway, I have been trying to get the boys onto a schedule of regular bedtime regardless of whether or not Brian was going to be home to help me put them to sleep. Establishing a bedtime routine for small boys who have never been accustomed to one is not an easy task, and it seemed rather daunting at first. I stuck with it though, and it seems like I may be seeing some fruit. Thank You Jesus! ( seriously, I was standing on the steps thanking God just a minute ago). The baby was asleep in the van, and I went down to check on him . Before I went down , I told the three older ones to get ready for bed, and then lay down. I left , just praying they would be quiet when I came back. Well I came back a few minutes later, and what do you know, they were all asleep. These are the same kids who we routinely gave melatonin too, last year just so they would go to sleep. Ben especiallly would stay up all night, we just could NOT make him go to sleep.. It wasn't even that late tonight, though it was a little later than their normal bedtime. Wow, this is so different than last year. I think having them be more active, take their nutrition shakes, and having a consistent bedtime routine, have made a world of difference. I know normal families would already have had their kids on a consistent routine years ago, but Brian and I are not normal. Better late than never , will hopefully apply in this situation.

Cheers for 21st Century Techonlogy

I love all the things you can do . Now instead of calling a friend and ranting for an hour over something the boys did , I can just blog about it instead. There are definitely drawbacks to the techonological improvements but overall its kind of fun. Just two days ago , I "met" another homeschool mom through an online group. She has four kids about the ages of mine, and she unschools. Then I found out, she lives less than half a mile from me! How cool. I might never have met her if it wasn't for yahoo groups.